DENVER, COLORADO — After discovering her husband adding two cubes of ice to his already low proof Jim Beam yesterday, Ashley Timmons reportedly called him a “lil’ bitch,” then rolled her eyes before walking away ashamed. Mrs. Timmons, who we contacted earlier today via phone, explained the comments. “There are hot, sexy guys online sipping barrel proofers straight, likely destroying their esophagus and stomach lining to prove their masculinity. Then I have Steve over here who can’t even handle an 80-proofer. Pathetic.”
Steve Timmons, explained that he enjoys the “cool, watery taste” and that the burn is “scary” however he is willing to make sacrifices to redeem his manhood and save his marriage. Mr. Timmons was later found at local Argonaut Wine & Liquor where he purchased Booker’s “Backyard BBQ,” a 128.8 proof behemoth that store employee Dave Wallace guaranteed will restore the hair on Steve’s chest.