Frankfort, Kentucky — A new product label released by Buffalo Trace distillery today revealed that Colonel E.H. Taylor Jr. — who’s namesake adorns one of the distillery’s most well-known offerings — was actually distilling in the “seventeenth century”, which would mean he was around 300-years old at the time of his death in 1923. The label was released as part of a mandatory TTB filing for a new product called “Colonel E.H. Taylor Amaranth, Grain of the Gods”. The back-label contained in the filing, stated that Colonel Taylor was a “bourbon aristocrat” during the 1600s, a stunning revelation which, by our calculations, makes him the first European man in Kentucky, the first distiller in Kentucky, and easily the oldest person on record.
The news of E.H. Taylor’s age and feats spread like wildfire through history and whiskey industry circles, where the reactions ranged from excitement to disappointment. Local historian Donald Robertson, who specializes in the early settlement of Kentucky, explained the significance of the news, “We previously thought the first Europeans to arrive in Kentucky were from the La Salle expedition in 1669 or the one in 1673. This news literally rewrites the history books! We’re still not sure how he survived in the complete wilderness or among many Native American tribes during that period or…. ugh, there are so many questions that we just may never know the answers to! That is, unless Buffalo Trace reveals that information to us via another back-label marketing story. It’s all just so exciting!” said Robertson.
Heaven Hill Distillery, who has for years claimed Elijah Craig to be the “Father of Bourbon” and the first bourbon distiller in Kentucky, was much more disappointed upon hearing the news. “Damn, how are we going to market this stuff now?!” exclaimed new Heaven Hill distiller Conor O’Driscoll. “We were doing so good with the Elijah Craig packaging redesign and….wait, hold on, I just got an e-mail. It’s from Harlan Wheatley, master distiller at Buffalo Trace. It says… ‘Dear Conor, Na-na na-na boo boo, Heaven Hill eats doo-doo! Who has the best marketing story now losers? Very Respectfully Yours, Harlan.’ Oh there’s a P.S: ‘Buffalo Trace for life son!'” O’Driscoll deleted the e-mail and scoffed, “Well, that was just unprofessional and unnecessary.”
The 300-year lifespan of Colonel Taylor has also reportedly caught the attention of the Guiness World Record Committee, who will be visiting Buffalo Trace later this week to certify and present the Oldest Person world record. Our own bourbon history expert and investigative reporter Michelle Beach, states that Colonel Taylor is expected to easily take command of the world’s longest lifespan title, formerly held by the late Jeanne Calment of France who lived to the age of 122. Beach also said it is unclear who will be accepting the award on behalf of Colonel Taylor, but rumors speculate it will likely be the marketing intern who made the “mistake of the century” on the TTB label filing.